I suggest you avoid this moist mess. The reason the Baywatch series became such a sensation – only outside of the United States, mind you – was that for many countries, this was one of the hottest things we could watch while pretending there was a plot in there somewhere. This was a time before the internet, or at least before the World Wide Web allowed us to download images fast enough. “I’ll be there,” as Hasselhoff sang during those unforgettable opening credits, was a promise that Baywatch would bring us sun and skimpiness and spunk. Now it feels like a threat.

Priyanka Chopra sizzles as Pamela Anderson did once dressed in slinky dresses, twirling a drink and throwing grand parties, she must do so for the sake of all the women “back home” not given their due. She adds the real oomph in this tame Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron affair.

This is a shipwreck of a film. Everyone involved is flailing about overboard. And the best lifeguards in the business are busy solving crimes.

The first half does not possess a single element of intrigue; all-in-all, a downer.

Only a miracle can save this ship from sinking unnoticed, unlamented at the Box Office for the film and its lead actors leave no stone unturned to let it sink at Emerald Bay…

…for fans of the original, this one’s no ogle fest either. This ‘baewatch’ ceases to be a treat for the eyes the minute you see Zac Efron dressed in drag and launching a ‘vomit comet’ every time he slips into the swimming pool.

If silly penis and boob jokes are your thing then Baywatch might get you a chuckle otherwise reruns of the original should be worth your while.

Baywatch is that lazy, cheesy summer tentpole film which sticks to a template and doesn’t even try to be nifty. When there aren’t drugs and dead bodies landing up on the shore, there is a person or two who needs to be rescued. Gordon rests entirely on Efron and Johnson’s repartee which results only a few moments of mirth. Everyone’s a loser in Baywatch but the biggest of them all is Pamela Anderson. Age has not been kind on the popular model and the filmmakers devote more time on her hair than her actual face.

Not a bay worth watching.

Baywatch looks like a perfect Bollywood masala entertainer. If not anywhere else, the film might find takers in India. If you were a fan of the David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson starrer TV series, then you are surely going to dislike this Paramount movie.

And if you enjoy that sort of no-holds-barred humour Baywatch can be a decent watch. But not all of its gags and jokes are funny. Watch this with no expectations and you could come away with a few chuckles.

BAYWATCH is nothing but a strong testimony on how far a studio can go in ‘water’ for ‘mass’ consumption and crazy cash grabs.

Stay away from this BAY.

This film is nearly two hours long with a storyline that wouldn’t be much of a challenge even to a 6-year-old kid and zero funnies to go with it.

The film’s tone is also a problem, it’s never clear whether the film is paying homage to the cheesy 80’s show, or making fun of it, or trying to recreate the campy nonsense. A big reason why the original show became so famous is that it came at a time when footage of naked ladies wasn’t immediately accessible for mainstream audiences.

The original TV show was no Breaking Bad, but it had that iconic status because it delivered what the audience wanted then in the pre-internet era – sexy lifeguards running slo-mo on the beach. This Baywatch ends up as a painful and confused tribute to that series that no one asked for. It needed more laughs, more sexiness, and more Priyanka Chopra in order to be a passable affair, in the least. Unfortunately, it’s not. Disappointing!

David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson have brief cameos—I can picture them getting together on set and laughing about how this movie makes the series look like King Lear. A blooper reel runs alongside the end credits. I think it’s cute that the film thinks there’s a noticeable difference between Johnson or Efron flubbing and nailing a scene.

Baywatch never opts for ennui as a decent alternative to smutty entertainment. It lets out a welter of off-colour humour in scenes that have been written to spotlight Dwayne ‘Rock’ Johnson’s dexterity with dumbness. You can’t afford to miss his, and this film’s gumption.

Of the three foreign films (“xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage” and “Kung-Fu Yoga”) with principal Indian artists this year, this one, by leagues, is the best. Correction: it is the only one of the three that is worth a watch. Go to the movies and be entertained.