… you can enjoy Spectre for the same reasons you generally enjoy Bond films – the sleek action, the amazing lead, the cheeky humour, the music, the gadgetry and the Bond girls. Oh wait, the kisses got censored (with awful jump cuts, mind you). Now that’s one thing that’ll ruin our toddy tapper’s visceral experience.

Akhil reminds you of the non-stick tawas sold on television. All the incessant advertising and the beaming faces of people in them telling you just how awesome these tawas are. When you finally get one, your dosa invariably sticks to the damn pan. You end up wishing they spent money on making a better product rather on selling it.

Apart from being based on a morally dubious plot, the film splatters all over itself as it moves into the second half, with no entertainment in an all-uphill losing battle by a witless Viren trying to fend off a terribly excited avalanche. It has its moments in a bit of humor in the first half, in some great acting by young Ayesha Takia and in some melodious songs, but there’s nothing that makes you caw in glee after like 30 minutes.