Finally, giving you opinion about a film called Mausam turn us critics into weathermen, so here goes: Bright and cheerful day, hit by a predictable, gloomy downpour and turned into a damp, middling mess. Perfect one-day cricket conditions, as the English would say.

This is a film made in bad taste, and — with apologies to Mr Capote — in old blood.

All I can personally say about this trend of remaking one-note Southern hits as a viewer is that it’s an exhausting one. It is in the tiny victories that we must seek refuge after a film like this: I’m just glad the hero, so eager to peel off his uniform, left his pants on.

So fixated is the film on trying to appear ‘cool’, even ‘minty-fresh,’ that the emotional connects all seem like afterthoughts. Especially the flashback each boy has, and their subsequent, convenient epiphany. It’s all so surfacial and unnecessary, even when well-performed, like the moment between Naseeruddin Shah and Farhan, when the latter is finally allowed to drop the forced grin and cry like he does best.

Murder 2 is flat, boring and not worth talking about. Even Emraan, sporting less stubble than usual, seems babyfaced as he goes through the motions. It might be inspired by some obscure film, but I don’t even care enough to look for its name. By now, I’ve come to accept that the Bhatts have a bigger DVD collection than me. I do wish they’d stop flaunting it, though.

The first half is dull as can be, merely loud, and while the emotionally-laden second half begins to mildly resemble something sweet, it explodes into a flashy climax that ruins everything.

In the end, it’s all flash. This Shaitan is more SprayTan than Satan, staring us down and daring us to look away. Who blinks first? We do. Several times over.

Those who are clapping for this film almost got the phrase right, only it’s more extortionate than value for money: the accurate term is “paisa vasooli.” Pay up.

Sippy obviously knows his flash, but after a point there needs to be more. Dum Maaro Dum is a very watchable film, but squanders tremendous potential in a puff of white smoke. As can be said the morning after a party with too much cocaine, all that eventually remains are a couple of good lines.

Loud and inert at the same time, Teen Thay Bhai is a film to be shunned simply because of how cruelly it treats three actors we should treasure.