It is a copy of MEET THE PARENTS(1992/2000) and of course Vijay Mallaya’s Kingfisher Airlines

pilot, who got the pink slip. Well, v know the story or non-story. And this is a good way to plough DHOOM 3 moolah, which may not generate further/any profits. For a Rom-com, it certainly roams in a comely manner.

The only thing tall about this movie is heroine Sonam Kapoor’s height(and that’s saying a lot.) She is definitely a cloth horse. But acting and she are like North Pole and South Pole. With her gummy/toothy smile.let’s move on to hero Ayushman Khurana. He may act in more movies but he has to up his game. Rishi Kapoor will continue with his old man roles. He has nothing new to offer except filling his old age coffers. What to say of songs, mere fillers.

In this movie, there is a MBA waiter(of course, the hero). And the heroine is working in a bank but splurges money on branded products like she owns the bank. If the hero has lost his job and can do desperate things to get employed, the heroine is her foil. And in comes her dad, who finds the would-be groom unsuitable. FUNNY! In today’s times, any’ modern’ girl will ask for her parents’ opinion, least of all go along with it? There r so many implausible episodes, that one’s mouth is left open – whether to wonder or wander away. I did the latter.

As a diversion, we have bikini-clad heroine smooching like it is the end of the world (it definitely is). As yet there is none to beat La Tagore from AN EVENING IN PARIS (1967) bikini pose. Or first kiss of Hindi cinema of Devika Rani-Himanshu Rai(KARMA, 1933).

The title is apt but it shouldn’t make u a bewakoof. For a change, go for picnic as weather is pleasant. Outdoors always cheer up to be gutsy to face Monday.

Well, u read that right. Move over Ragini. Sunny has taken over. And how. From the first frame to the last, it has Sunny written all over it. Most of our heroines cannot act and end up emoting by contortions.

Here is an innocent pristine ex-adult star (imported from Canada) who gives dollar value for rupee. She lights up the screen by her mere presence. Of course her acting is like icing on the cake. But then a horror show without skin show and oomph is incomplete. Sunny is in a no holds bar zone.

She holds nothing back. What has she to lose except gain theatre-filled viewers. And lusty cheers abound. She deserves and devours attention. There is no cheapness in her act. It flows so naturally. Reminded me of boneless Helen.

Sunny is so empowering without being forceful, that I forgot the movie or the movie within the movie. She is enigmatic. She is she. I loved the songs -Baby Doll. Oh yes, she is. She drips moments of pure desire.

After this movie, her market will skyrocket. But I shudder to think what will happen to Sunny Deol paaji, whose movie is releasing next week and whose stars are in unsunny zone. He has tough competition. Fact is both r Punjabis. Both r physical on-screen. It’ll be a day if Leone promotes Deol.

The movie collected: Fri: 8.50; Sat: 7.50; Sun: TBD. Points to the lass’s appeal.

Sunny deo toh Sunny Leone. The empress takes a bow. Hail whatever!

WHAT IS IN A NAME: MAN vs WOMAN:

Well, Shakespeare did make a valid point. But when it comes to same names given to a man and woman, the result makes us think. While SUNNY Leone(no connection to acting) could make RAGINI MMS 2 smoulder courtesy her physical assets, her name-sharer SUNNY Deol’s physical assets make one cringe. He is an actor with dhai kilo(whatever) and dole shole(whichever). The fate of the movie and Paaji reminded me of the appropriateness of the title DO GAZ ZAMEEN KE NEECHE. He should rest for now. The movie has a dated look. Why was Harman Baweja re-launched? He too should rest before he settles down with Bips. So is the name issue a gender issue or have the times changed? Would like to see more of Lion(ess) babe. The ripples she is creating r giving jitters to our established ‘actresses’.

Sunny scenario.

The movie is a blatant copy of GOODFELLAS(1990). I guess, if those actors watch this plagiarised version, they may die of heart attack. Never mind. They won’t care to watch this as even the Indian viewers have rejected it over the weekend and that’s a relief.

Shilpa Shetty shouldn’t’ve taken pains to be a debutant director with this movie. The Haryanvi characters don’t do justice to Haryana. I guess Haryanvis may take offence to Sunny’s character. In the poster, it is shown, hero Harman Baweja is pointing revolver at his brain. This is what the viewers do after watching the movie. And the few, who watched it, may end up saying, “shoot it (the movie)”.

The less said about the heroine Ayesha Khanna, the better. She should stick to being the designer she is.

POST MORTEM: This movie shouldn’t ha’ve been made. It is a torture. It can’t revive the career of anyone, who is associated with it. Gangster flicks work and they’ve a action story. Here it is all dead meat. Suffice it to say it is a gangster flick. So, to know the story, watch GOODFELLAS. That works big time even after 24 years. And that says a lot about Robert De Niro, Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci and Samuel L Jackson. And the director was Martin Scorsese. There lies the difference between Bollywood and Hollywood.

Well, well. David Dhawan made HERO NO.1(1997) with Govinda. Now he has launched his son Varun (a walking-talking Govinda) in MTH. The movie is a remake of KANDIREEGA (Telugu, 2011), that was earlier remade into PAGLU 2 (Bengali, 2012).

David-Vashu-Govinda have been ably substituted by David-Ekta-Varun. Alia Bhatt was brilliant in Highway. Siddharth Malhotra did a good job in Hassee Toh Phassee. So can Varun be far behind? With MTH, he takes over from Govinda. And what a zany comedy it turns out to be. Don’t look for the story. But don’t leave ur brains behind at home

too. Here, u go with the flow. And this flow leaves u asking for more even after the movie ends.

David hasn’t lost his midas touch. And Varun shows that he is an able Govinda-successor. Right from songs to mindless scenarios to everything -he handles it all effortlessly. It is a hand-in-glove movie. Everything fits. Everyone here is made for each other. Varun graduates from a student to a star and passes out with top scores. This election month too won’t dent the craze and collection for this movie. God and people r with it

Well, the story is unrealistic. But then it is so much fun. Varun in a dream-worthy college scenario, falls for Ileana De’Cruz. And a kabab-mein-haddi cop Arunoday Singh is hell bent on marrying her. A don’s daughter Nargis Fakhri takes a shine to Varun. There is marry-go-round in this love-quadrangle. And the wheel of fun spins on and on. Who gets who? That is the question the movie answers finally. BTW, Anupam Kher’s voice echoes as he was born in Manali(a hill station). So if you have been hearing about problems, this movie works for you big time.

Anupam Kher-Saurabh Shukla-Rajpal Yadav take over from where Kader Khan-Shakti Kapoor left in David Dhawan films. Karisma Kapoor-Tabu may well be proud of Ileana-Nargis. The girls are a delight in their own right. And the songs are actually chalta purza but go with the spirit of the movie. Taste a song – Besharmi ki Height; Galat Baat Hai; Shanivaar Raati or Palat.

This is hallmark David Dhawan movie. And Varun leaves his own stamp on it. Now I strongly feel, only he could do this role. The role was written for him or he made the character come alive – welcome Govinda No 2. Welcome aboard Varun. What a hearty laugh and laughter I had. The audience is in for good times. MTH will match the might of T20 cricket and come out WINNERS. The movie is doubtlessly a definite HIT.(Touch wood).

After Bullett Raja(2013), here comes Revolver Rani. Kangana Ranaut is riding high after the grand success of Queen and she rightly follows it up with RR. And it sure is a treat to watch her from demure to daring. Chambal, dacoits, revolvers and bullets go hand in hand. There are no friends except that one has to kill the enemies to survive.

And politicians make their presence felt. Alka Singh (Kangana Ranaut), a trigger-happy killer politico has breathed violence and doesn’t fear to shoot and kill. Alka has lost elections in Gwalior to Tomar party. And the Tomars are baying for her blood. But before killing her, they would like to hurt her. And what better way to do that than to kidnap her actor fantasy of a boyfriend Rohan Mehra (Vir Das).

They kidnap Rohan in Mumbai and bring him to Gwalior to kill him. But can Alka let that happen? She comes blazing at the scene of action and takes charge. From a fearless politician to a coy lover, who would turn a meek woman to be with her man; Kangana infuse life

in the role. She knows that from an uncouth, fire-brand gun-toting foul-mouthed witch she has to turn into a demure woman, who wants to attract her man. And she does it effortlessly. She only likes “phasion, gun and fun.”

Alka loves her man and knows how to protect his life. The movie shows a role reversal, where woman protects her man. For she is deeply in love. So what if she is a politician! Before that and foremost, she is a woman. And love oozes out of her. The deadly Rani can make mincemeat out of her enemies, only to protect her love(r). This is all about guns, guts and glory. Kangana at her very best.

Ab Mard Ko Sar Dard Hoga! For Sure!

PURANI JEANS: Coming Of Age In Today’s Times Purani Jeans is a coming of age film that is based on the premise, “friendship is like a pair of old jeans – the older it gets, the better it becomes”. Who can forget childhood friends, love, jealousy, feeling wanted and loved and carefree days!

Sidhath Roy Sid(Tanuj Virwani) is a shy, quiet young man who returns to his hometown Kasauli, Himachal Pradesh from New York after 12 long years. He has memories of a rich past among friends and has lot of catching up to do. But there are misunderstands with his best friend Samuel Joseph Lawrence Sam (Aditya Seal) that he has to settle.

And this is what happens in the summer – it becomes one where things become perfect and matters come to a conclusive end. The boys become men – finally. The other three friends – Balwinder Singh Shekawat Bobby(Param Baidwaan), Susheel Sharma Suzy(Raghav Raj Kakker) and Tejinder Singh Kathuria Tino(Kashyap Kapoor) provide a perfect foil for the events to unfold.

Among this tale of friends, in walks Nayantara Sapru(Izabelle Leite), who comes to spend a cool summer at the hill station from Mumbai. And she creates excitement by her mere presence. She is glue that fastens the unbreakable bond of friendship among friends.

Finally misunderstandings result in a happy ending. For friendship is like wine, the older it gets the better it becomes.

Revive the golden days gone by. Friendship never dies. Memories never fade. The movie strengthens the unbreakable bond. And youth lends it a fresh charm. The songs are like icing on the cake. A visual treat that rocks the heart.

Some relationships never die. Like true friendships.

Kavya Pratap Singh(Alia Bhatt) is a small town Ambala girl. She decides to do her forthcoming wedding shopping

in Delhi. Once in Delhi, she meets a typical dilli ka chhora Rakesh Humpty Sharma(Varun Dhawan). Humpty is enjoying his carefree life

with his two friends – Shonty(Gaurav Pandey) and Poplu(Sahil Vaid). To take care of his expenses is his father’s(Kenny Desai) book store. Humpty always falls and now he falls for Kavya. But his liking towards her has a hitch – her wedding. Both are like chalk and cheese but still a love-hate bond grows between them. Humpty accommodates her tantrums and even gets slapped multiple times.

Not that he minds. The day for her to return home

draws close and off she goes to Ambala. Can our hero give up on her so easily? It appears – No. He along with his friends pursues Kavya and lands in sadda Punjab. Marriage preparations are in full swing. And the NRI munda Angad Bedi(Siddharth Shukla) too lands up to claim

his chikni chameli. Our desi munda will not let the marriage take place. He woos the kudi, he begs with her father Singh(Ashutosh Rana) and tries all tricks of the trade to shoo away the dulha. Does he succeed in his affable yet gullible attempts? Does Kavya stand up against the might of her strict dad? Well, don’t miss out on this lively comedy movie. It is what the doctor ordered. If you find shades(or the entire color spectrum) of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge(1995), blame it on Karan Johar, who cannot think beyond SRK.

I was mulling over the title. It could well have been Bunty DHARMA Ki Dulhania. Long live Karan Johar and his Dharma Productions. If Humpty is taking over, don’t forget, till sometime back Bunty ruled the roost. But with chaniging times and gen-X taking over, new names and younger generation has taken over. Whatever it may be, the movie is good and it made me genuinely laugh. It’s time for the 20+ to take over from the 40+ and 50+.

And I couldn’t forget to remember: The new “Ki” key-factor: Is the new all male name bonding!

Kuku Mathur Ki Jhand Ho Gayi

Bnty Sharma Ki Dulhania

Amit Sahni Ki List

Shah Rukh Khan’s HAPPY NEW YEAR released on October 24 instead of January 1. KILL DIL released on November 14 instead of February 14. And now Saif Ali Khan’s HAPPY ENDING releases today(November 21) instead of December 31! Movie titles have lost making sense or being relevant. The question is how India’s largely dehati audience deciphers the meaning. Maybe the Hinglish title makes them think it is an English flick and keep away from it. And rightly so. This time around, everyone unanimously decide to keep away.

Womaniser Yudi Jaitley(Saif in double role – Yudi / Yogi!) is suffering from a writer’s block. A happy-but-commitment-phobic guy, he meets his similar’soul mate’ Aanchal Reddy(Ileana D’Cruz). U’d say it is indeed happy ending! In walks a fading Bollywood star Armaan(Govinda) who wants to revive his kaput career and decides only a sleek script can save him(read his slim career). And he promptly puts his heavy-weight(literally) not behind but over Yudi. The writer is now completely blocked and even a good-looking heroine(Ileana) is unable to unblock this nose, noose or whatever.

Govinda should take it easy. It is not easy to have two flops(KILL DIL, HAPPY ENDING) in quick succession. Saif can find his solace in Kareena Kapoor. BTW, she too is there in the movie. Saif too is over the hill and blockbusters can’t be expected of him. He looks stressed.(Keeping Kareena’happy’ all the time may not come easy.) Ileana may get one or two Hindi movies but she doesn’t seem hot. This is her hat-trick flop(Phata Poster Nikla Hero; Main Tera Hero, Happy Ending). If you’ve watched English TV series Californication(2007-2014), you’ll find where Saif derives his inspiration(from Hank Moody). Did you see Sweet Liberty(1986) then you’ll find the inspiration(Michael Caine) for Govinda’s character.

The 3-4 fewer viewers r happy when the movie ends. Probably they r waiting for the next Hinglish titled movie, where they can rightly put their over-used(read worn-out) sandals to good use!

This movie is neither about action nor dance. It is about romance – a Kishan Kanaiya with three gopi around. A desi Robinhood-sort Vishy(Ajay Devgan) is chased(for a change) by unlucky Khushi(Sonakshi Sinha) to see his naked torso so that luck may rub off on her. Funny! Ajay looks half the size of Sona!

In Bangkok, another gangster Jai / AJ(Ajay in a double role) has Anusha(Yami Gautam) for company. To add to the garbage is don Anand Raj’s sister Marina(Manasvi Mamgai), who falls for gangster, who won’t reciprocate. Anand gives competition to former Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev by sporting his forehead birthmark. Anand may now rightly be called’Tilak’ Raj! It’s another matter, Gorbachev will come out of’cold war’ and rightly thrash this pseudo copier for making him the’villain’. That’s my assumption.

There is Ajay’s side-kick Kunal Roy Kapur, who doesn’t know the difference between comedy and bafoonry. I’m still deciphering whu Sonu Sood joined the cast. And if this is not enough, there is icing on this cake with cameos by Salman Khan, Shahid Kapoor, Prabhu Deva and Prabhas! Phew! The picture is complete. Of course the songs can be called pastries. Ajay is no Salman but is better than Akshay. This movie is made like a south Tamil movie.

‘Director’ Prabhu Deva goes Farah Khan way. Post WANTED, he has done menials ROWDY RATHORE and R RAJKUMAR. And now this trash. After November trashes, this one is slightly better. But if u’ve seen SINGHAM early this year, don’t waste ur time, money or energy on this mish-mash. I sympathize with Michael Jackson. He must be turning in his grave restlessly. He may come out of the grave to sue Ajay for dancing with half foot! I don’t know what to call his dancing! Naach na jaane aangan tedha! I let out a sigh of relief. Jaan bachi aur lakho paaye. Pure BS.

Title word HUMSHAKAL itself is a plural. Then why add “s” at its end? Probably because all asses throng the movie! In this movie all r shitting and hamming! Sajid Khan made for a good TV show host. He then jumped into film making but has not done much except making flops. He has a fetish for letter H. Barring Darna Zaroori Hai(2006), consider Heyy Babyy(2007), Housefull(2010), Housefull 2: The Dirty Dozen(2012), Himmatwala(2013) and now Hamshakals. Humshakals is a three-triple-roles comedy featuring Saif Ali Khan, Riteish Deshmukh and Ram Kapoor. To begin with, there is no story. Consider Saif and Ritesh applying butter on Ram’s face and saying, “We are buttering you!” or “Hum pagal nahin hain!” or slapping each other and saying, “Yeh toh slapstick comedy hai!”

As Saif, Riteish and Ram meet their humshakals, not one but two each, there is confusion galore. Glamour(or lack of it) is provided by three bikini-clad lead actresses – Bipasha, Esha and Tamanna. Humshakals is inspired by cult film Angoor(1982). Angoor was based on Shakespeare’s play The Comedy of Errors(c. 1594). Indian cinema has made five films based on the play, Bhrantibilas(1963, Bengali, Uttam Kumar), Do Dooni Char(1968, Hindi, Kishore Kumar), Angoor, (1982, Hindi, Sanjeev Kumar), Ulta Palta(1997, Kannada, Ramesh Aravind) and Aamait Asal Eemait Kusal(2012, Tulu, Naveen D Padil). Best watch Angoor again. But if you still would like to watch Humshakals, take sardard tablet with you and return echoing, “bekaar, bekaar, bekaar.” Blame it on the power of three!

What is the use of investing time, money and energy along with talent when the end result is a tri-cycle sorry tri-shakals. It is three to the power of infinity Bore Bore Bore. Sajid Khan did well as a host. As a director, he is competing with Dada Kondke(with due respects to the long departed). Sis Farah piggy-rode on SRK and Akshay Kumar and could transform from choreographer to a credible director. Sajid has no such luck. Let him live in his dream world with this HIMMATWALA Part 2. Even God will not save this trash. Instead get a DVD of ANGOOR(1982) and taste the thunder that was Sanjiv Kumar. But if u still wish to go ahead watching this whatever: take headache tablets along and demand ticket refund, pop, corn, hourly wage and transportation fare along with other misc fares. Good Luck!

BTW: The movie is proving to be a big hit in China! Can u guess why?

My Witty Quotes:

1. Earlier, Sajid Khan was talented. Today, he is ail-ented. Earnestly pray for him. May his soul find its mooring post JacFer and Tamanna.

2. HIMMATWALA To HAMSHAKALS: Yeh Dosti Hum Nahin Chodenge! Rating: Awarded Sun, Moon & Stars.

3. HUMSHAKALS is simply a scary movie. It scares u from never daring to watch future movies. It is actually HAMshakals. The actors ham. The viewer begs for ham(the food).

4. Badi himmat chahiye in sab shakals ko dekhne ke liye. Sajid toh bechara, dekhne ke baad pagal ho gaya!

5. Sajid Khan is undergoing mid-life crises. And he cannot deal with it single-handedly. Meri Shaadi Karaado!

6. Ekta Kapoor popularised letter K. Sajid Khan does it with letter H.

7. Nobody is calling it hero Saif’s movie but baying for the blood of’director’ Sajid Khan! Wonder why!

8. If u wish to escape depression, EXIT before it is too late! Bips escaped and she is SANE!

BTW: This is not a review but an expression of pain. PHEW!

Movies about elopement and getting married is nothing new. They made for a good watch in the 80s and even 90s. And they were big hits too with the leads becoming major heroes and heroines. But today, they seem unbelievable. With values becoming expandable, elopement seems like news from Mars. Well, Lekar Hum Deewana Dil revolves around elopement.

Dinesh ‘Dino’ Nigam (Armaan Jain) and Karishma Shetty (Deeksha Seth) are college buddies. Their friends make them realise ‘they were made for each other.’ When Karishma’s parents insist on arranged marriage, the duo decides to elope! And the puppy love leads to pagalpan. There is no end to idiotic happenings. So much so, at the fag end of the movie you would happily want to SPANK the hero and heroine. You may shriek also. But save your breath. The movie is over and you are still alive. Thank God and go home. Have a good night’s sleep and forget the movie like a bad dream.

POOR: The movie is bad in every single department: acting, story, direction, music, cinematography… So much so, the word ‘bad’ seems good in comparison. I ended up saluting Michael Jackson’s song Bad. I was wondering what could be the reason for making this movie. We already have a perennial dud Abhishek Bachchan. So, now we can start a line-up of dud dud duds…

The only thing successful about this movie is the title. And Nasir Hussain must be turning in his grave seeing how his super hit song has become a title of a banal movie. Yaadon Ki Baraat (1973) after 41 years is still watchable with foot-tapping music. But LHDD hasn’t lasted even for 41 hours with miserable collections on day 1. RD Burman beats AR Rahman by miles in music. Deeksha Seth is the saving grace in this bland affair.

Media was tom-toming about ‘Raj Kapoor’s grandson’s debut!’ Armaan is the son of Reema (fourth child of Raj K). He is a ‘has-been’ already. He must take a crash course in acting but even that won’t revive his non-starting career. Could he be as well-known as Karishma, Kareena and Ranbir! Only time will tell. No one can write a review of this movie except its director. And no critic can rate this movie with a star rating except a sabziwala.

About the movie: Forget it like a bad dream. Amen.

He was born on February 29 (Leap Year: 1964, 1968, 1972, 1976, 1980, 1984, 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, 2016) so he is only 10-years-old. (And I thought he was born on December 27 1965 and is 48!) Never mind. He like to KICK. Not that I mind but he means adrenalin-pumping excitement. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t kick ass. And that is how our hero does things. From Lovely Singh (Bodyguard, 2012), Salman has progressed to DEVI.L Singh. Dev…Devi…Devil…and the fun begins.

Shaina Mehra (JacFer) is a psychiatrist living with her parents in Poland. Under pressure from family, she agrees to meet Himanshu Tyagi (Randeep Hooda), a cop for prospective wedding. She tells Hiamnshu that she had been in love with Devi Lal Singh (no reference to the Haryana politician, Salman Khan), an engineer, who could never stick to one job as he looked for constant excitement rather than boredom and routine. And this causes their break-up. But she has not forgotten him. Himanshu too is looking for the Robinhood-like DEVIL, who robs the rich and spends it all on the cure of poor diseased children. And there is one rich evil person Firoz (Nawazuddin Siddiqui), who the Devil would like to eliminate. Incidentally, both are looking for one and the same person, who Shaina’s dad, a minister (Saurabh Shukla) intensely dislikes. And the plot has been set. A cat and mouse game begins that sees the record-setting chases, visual effects and Salman like never before. The movie is a remake of Telugu movie Kick (2009).

Salman + Eid = Event. That has already happened with the movie raking in around 52 crore in two days (Friday, Saturday). And this is just the beginning. With two clear weeks even Rs 400 cr is not off-limits. But this is business. Records will be broken and new ones set. But that is routine and expected.

Let’s talk of the movie. Mithun Chakraborty and Archana Puran Singh (Devi’s parents) are pure nonsense characters, who shouldn’t’ve been there in the first place. Vipin Sharma as Home Minister impresses. Sanjai Mishra (senior inspector Ramavtaar Rathi) raises some laughs with his bumbling cop act. Sumona Chakravarti and Kavin Dave runaway marriage scene too could’ve been avoided but the chase in Purani Dilli brings alive memories. Sheer pleasure to watch Sallu in his auto-car. And the dialogues r already by-hearted by everyone so let’s just say, the job has been well done. The cinematography is simply superb. And that Salman crossing train-track on his cycle and coolly walking after letting his cycle off before an on-coming train is sheer dare-devilry. It is too magical to be forgotten.

KICK: Building-Buster: The word block-buster pales. It is sky-buster. It has bust bust bust… Laat ne maat de di (My original dialogue).

Salman looks edible enough to eat. He sports two different looks – pre-interval and post-interval. Loved both. Now v can see Eid goat-ee everywhere with salt-n-pepper spread (no pun intended).

JacFer will take a jump to bigger league. Adorable.

Nargis Fakhri is a pure dynamite. She has unleashed herself in Devil song and how. Barood. Simply superb. But the female singer is a pain to hear and should have been kicked out.

Randeep Hooda: He brings a raw energy that takes the movie to another level. To create space for himself in a Salman movie is an event itself. He gives enough takkar to Salman in some scenes. WOW!

Nawazuddin Siddiqui: He has written a new chapter in villainy in Hindi cinema. It is a revelation. And dialogue delivery is awe-inspiring. Welcome to the club Nawaz.

Saurabh Shukla: Well, he fits in despite his size cuz the role seems written for him or he acted and they wrote. Whatever. He is simply adorable. Cute.

There is a story in KICK. But when so many characters occupy screen space, you don’t care for inane things. Eyes were glued to the screen. Mind-blowing action. Special effects. Songs. Waited for Salman to remove his shirt but he wore the eye-wear. I must visit Poland. The movie brings alive Purani Dilli.

Will watch it again. Ke dil abhi bhara nahin…

Lot of effort has gone into the making of the movie. That can be seen in the trimness of Salman, who matches his fans’ expectations and more. He looks coming right out of the foil. At 48, his body is terrific. And I salute him in right earnest. To say, he gives us a kick, is an understatement. He is looking better and younger than his earlier movies. That calls for single-minded dedication. Hats off DEVI.L. Waiting him to turn a dulha so v can become uncle and aunts. (Just kidding!)

1. KHOOBSURAT (1980): Rekha, Rakesh Roshan – BEST
2. KHOOBSURAT (1999): Urmila Matondkar, Sanjay Dutt – MEDIOCRE
3. KHOOBSURAT (2014): Sonam Kapoor, Fawad Khan – WORST

Meg Cabot’s novel THE PRINCESS DIARIES (2000) was made into a movie (2001) with the same name. Following its success, a sequel THE PRINCESS DIARIES 2: ROYAL ENGAGEMENT (2004) was made, which was mediocre. KHOOBSURAT (2014) is based on this sequel. Let’s NOT compare it with KHOOBSURAT (1980) as that is like comparing hell with heaven. (Understatement).

It defies logic why KHOOBSURAT (2014) was ever made? On second thoughts, forget logic, put this question plain and simple and still you won’t find an answer.

Sonam Kapoor (29) doesn’t know to act. Were she not her father’s daughter, she’d find it impossible to land up any acting role. Forget being a fashionista, she is just a cloth horse, who can at best be a scare crow. With her height, she scares away even the crows along with the audience. Disney had spare change so they invested in this movie. Rest as they say, is history – I mean, literally. This movie is a literal dud. With her hollow cave like mouth, Sonam tries to laugh cheerfully. Reminds me of other ‘similar’ (flop) star-kids – Esha Deol, Soha Ali Khan, Tushar Kapoor, Bobby Deol, Abhishek Bachchan, Prateek Babbar, etc. Sonam doesn’t even have acting boots so she needn’t worry about hanging them up. The shoes will hang (YES!) themselves up (mercifully). At, 29 she doesn’t get any younger. She doesn’t look like a princess.
Kavvi chali hans ki chaal. Bhool gayi apni bhi chaal.

Fawad Afzal Khan (32): Let’s not talk about Hindustan-Pakistan here. Actors have no boundaries. They are universal. Fawad must have acted for free in this movie for sure. Disney got two for free (Sonam, Fawad) and it wants the audience to pay for this BS of a movie. No ways. Anil Kapoor must have chipped in for advertising, publicity and marketing. UTV must have paid for theatrical rentals. Fawad looks like he is attending a mushaira. The stubble doesn’t make him look chic or royal. And he carries his drama acting in this movie. Kiddo, stick to those dramas. And if you wish to progress to Bollywood, learn from Ali Zafar. And that is a tall order.

End Note: If you still wish to watch this movie, you can – for Kiran Kher is simply superb. And you may ask, where is the review! Well, do today’s movies require REVIEWS? They require a kick in the a** for lack of story! Happy Kicking, I mean, sweet dreams over the weekend. smile emoticon

Narendra Modi should watch this movie along with Chinese Premier Li Keqiang. Li is KHOOB and Narendra has SURAT. It has SURAT in it. Of course, bad-surat! smile emoticon

After watching this movie, if you still remember what khoobsurat (beautiful) means, then consider yourself sane. You will also find it hard to decide, who is more khoobsurat – hero or the heroine?

A ruthless gangster Bhaiyaji (Govinda, 50) brings up two orphaned boys – Tutu (Ali Zafar, 34) and Dev (Ranveer Singh, 29) only to make them equally ruthless killers. Trouble brews when in walks Disha (Parineeti Chopra, 26). Dev and Disha fall in love and Dev and Bhaiyaji fall out.

A ‘love triangle’ ensues – Bhaiyaji (becomes Saiyyanji) is after Dev and Dev is after Disha. In this BS marry-go-round, Parineeti is competing with Govinda for the coveted ‘FAT’ty award. There is a song for every occasion one can think of. At this rate, one can spend almost the entire movie time as loo-break. (And u’d prefer it.) Movie is good for constipation sufferers.

Whoever is this Shaad Ali, SHOULD give up film-making. Naach na jaane, aangan tedha. The saving grace of this movie r Ali Zafar and Govinda. Over-hyped ‘actors’ – Ranveer and Parineeti should take a long break. For old-times sake, v have Kader Khan (Ram Chopra).

Is there a need for a Hinglish title? Take a pick of YRF Hinglish titles: Neal n’ Nikki (2005), Kabul Express (2006), Ta Ra Rum Pum (2007), Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic (2008), Rocket Singh Salesman of the Year (2009), Pyaar Impossible (2010), Mere Brother Ki Dulhan (2011), Shuddh Desi Romance (2013) and now this. All big flops. And in 2014 YRF has already given mazedaar titles – Gunday, Bewakoofiyan, Mardaani, and Daawat-e-Ishq. Does this reflect newness or creativity?

Apart from Hinglish titles, there r weird songs. Sample this: Happy Budday, Bol Beliya, Sweeta, Daiyya Maiyya, and of course the title song. If u don’t understand this lingo, don’t worry. They neither make sense, nor r music to ear. But one can understand the meaning of Sajde, Baawra and Nakhriley. Never mind if they too r no go on the ears.

U saw GUNDAY. U’ve seen this. If u’ve the WILL to FILL the theaters (!), take the PILL (not for constipation but Panadol) along. Aap hil jaayenge (but not with Jill). Returns r nil for this movie bill. But at the end of it, u’ll sit still till u’ve the strength to reach for the exit door.

BTW, the movie is a sure-shot blockbuster (first day: Rs 6.75 cr). It has blocked the audience and busted the dil. Killer of a movie! Umm…on second thoughts, movie posters too r killers. Money was definitely spent on the posters.

Need I say more. Sweet dreams.

On a dark stormy rainy night in Allahabad, Hari Shankar (Ashok Kumar) enters a mansion, he had recently purchased. The caretaker is a mali (gardener) Kumar, who narrates the tale of obsessive love, and sacrifice that took place there nearly 40 years ago. The mansion by the banks of a river had Kamini staying there. Her lover visited her every night. Unfortunately a stormy night drowned the lover in the river. Before drowning, he promised that he would meet her in another lifetime. Kamini too drowned and died.

Shankar wanders around the mahal and finds the portrait of the previous owner. He is amazed that it has uncanny resemblance to him. He wonders at reincarnation. And soon hears a haunting melody – Aayega aane wala. He follows the singer Kamini (Madhubala, 16), who dressed in white, appears and disappears. Soon Shankar’s lawyer friend Srinath (Kanu Roy) arrives. He tries to make Shankar realize that there is no reincarnation and Shankar should let go of tragic lover story. But Kamini is all ‘real’ and Srinath has no explanation.

Srinath reminds Shankar that he is engaged to be married and must return to Kanpur, his birthplace. Srinath promises to sell the mansion. Shankar leaves for Kanpur but gets off at Naini and soon returns to the Allahabad mansion. He is the obsessive lover, who cannot give up on Kamini. Srinath’s efforts to take him away from Kamini prove futile. Kamini tells Shankar that they can be together if he can kill the mali’s daughter Asha and she can then possess her body. Before Shankar can kill Asha, Srinath stops the murderous try.

Shankar is soon married to his fiancée Ranjana (Vijayalaxmi). But he cannot forget Kamini and refuses to have conjugal rights. Ranjana vows she’ll remain in veil till Shakar lifts it and sees her face. Ashok leaves her to return to the mansion to kill Asha and reunite with Kamini. Ranjana feeling humiliated, consumes poison but in police station puts the blame on Shankar that he poisoned her and dies after signing her confession.

Shankar reaches the mansion and calls for Asha. When he sees her, he asks her to lift her veil. Before she can do it, police comes and arrests him. In the court, he denies killing Ranjana. He cannot identify Ranjana as he had never seen her face. Finally Asha appears in the court and lifts her veil. She is Kamini! She tells the court that in the mansion she had seen the portrait of the lovers and she fell in love with the man in portrait. So, each night she dressed in white and sang the haunting melody. and one fine night Shankar came, an exact replica of the man in portrait. She fell in love with him. They were the lovers from the earlier life.

But the court gives death by hanging to Shankar for murdering his wife. Shankar tells Srinath to marry Kamini so that the curse on the lovers should get over and he can unite with Kamini in next life. On the day prior to hanging the postal department finds a letter (suicide note) of Ranjana, in which she states that she is taking her own life as Shankar has rejected her in favor of another woman. The police goes to the Chief Justice of Allahabad High Court and Shankar is pardoned. Shankar comes to Srinath’s house, only to find him married to Kamini. He dies sacrificing his love.

Kamal Amrohi had created a classic tale of obsession, love, and sacrifice that still has no parallel. Mahal was also India’s first reincarnation movie that catapulted Madhubala at 16 to overnight fame. And Lata Mageshkar became the singing sensation with Aayega Aane Wala. The movie took box office by storm. Music director Khemchand Prakash became immortal and lyricist Nakshab Jarchavi never lacked work.

The first Hindi reincarnation movie was probably Punar Janam (1938). Bimal Roy, Mahal’s editor later made Madhumati (1958), another reincarnation tale, and it gave birth to other movies like Milan (1967), Neel Kamal (1968), Milap (1972), Mehbooba (1976), Karz (1980, 2008), Kudrat (1981), Nigahein (1989), Suryavanshi (1992), Prem Shakti (1994), Karan Arjun (1995), Prem (1995), Hameshaa (1997), Tales Of The Kama Sutra 2: Monsoon (1998), Ab Ke Baras (2002), Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani (2002), Paap (2003), Mr Ya Miss (2005), Om Shanti Om (2007), Quick Gun Murugan (2008), Love Story 2050 (2008), Karma: Crime Passion Reincarnation (2009), Chandni Chowk To China (2009), Makkhi (2012), Dangerous Ishq (2012), Teri Meri Kahani (2012), and Ek Paheli Leela (2015).

There have been movies and more movies on the theme of reincarnation in Hindi Cinema but none could beat or even come close to Mahal.

Watch the full movie on youtube.

In Mathura, a politician’s corrupt brother Gajender Singh(Manoj Bajpai) is infatuated with a college-going Radhika(Sonakshi Sinha). She seeks refuge with a’dabangg’ Agra boy Pintu Shukla(Arjun Kapoor), who knows to give and give(not money, silly, but laat, ghoonse, etc etc). And he has plenty to dole out. Salman Khan is present in his absence.(Consider Superman song and Arjun’s oft-repeated one-liner).

Salman is actually the invisible hero in the movie. And the movie turns out to be a Kabaddi match between Mathura and Agra. This south-remake has plenty of already-seen action. If you are in mood for a repeat’s repeat, go ahead. Watch the movie for Arjun, Manoj and Raj Babbar(SP Shukla). Sona should take a long break. I’ve her coming out of my ears, etc etc. Over-exposed. Watch out for Subrat Dutta(Kakdi).

Tevar is the fourth official remake of original Okkadu(2003, Telugu), after Ghilli(2004, Tamil), Ajay(206, Kannada), and Jor(2008, Bengali). Shruti Hassan not only sings but does and item number too. But the songs have turned out so-so. After Superman song, I was actually expecting a song like, “Devar ke Tevar, Bhabhi ke Zevar”. It’d’ve been a chartbuster. But producers didn’t ask me about it. Never mind.

Arjun has miles to go before he can think of himself as an actor. A readymade halwa provided by his dad boney Kapoor doesn’t do much. And banking on Salman(Boney has got the green signal for “No Entry Mein Entry”) is for laughs. Salman’s fans want to see only Salman. Why’d they want to waste money on references in another movie. Look at what happened to ex Sri Lanka President Mahinda Rajapaksa, for whom Salman campaigned actively December-end 2014. In the elections conducted on January 8 2015, Rajapaksa became an ex on January 9. Now he has an axe to grind with Salman. In this light, what can happen to Arjun on January 9 when the movie released? It has opened to lukewarm response.

Sonakshi cannot act for her father’s sake. 100% standard expressions. Both father-daughter travel in the same boat of non-actors. Her talent doesn’t matches her weight. Anyways, with literally a movie of her’s releasing each month, she’ll soon be “in sight but out of mind”. One can thank God for small mercies. She is also carrying on Salman’s bandwagon.

Raj Babbar is still doing a great job. His sorrow like Amitabh Bachchan is his kids, who(Arya and Juhi) have still to deliver a movie(forget a hit). Sometimes, fahters remain the crowning glory. Raj can take solace in that.

Boney Kapoor will always bank on someone or the other. Earlier, it was brother Anil. Then the hundi became wifey Sridevi. Now, Salman till the time Arjun can come into his own. When will Boney be on his own? Good question.

Finally, a Kabaddi match between Mathura and Agra leads to match-making between the obvious couple. Why no one thought of this unique idea before. Sports flowering into relationship. This is a match made without fixing. Wow. The couple is on the run. And the audience too mercifully runs away without becoming the baraati. Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabab mein haddi.

Central Board of Film Certification(CBFC) denied release certificate to MSG. Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh(47) lent support to BJP in Delhi election so BJP cleared the movie, making CBFC head Leela Samson resign en masse and infilling CBFC with BJP cadres. Singh’s influence can be seen from the results of Delhi election where BJP ate the humble pie of getting 3 / 70 seats(Article 370!). This is the revenge or will of God. The Godman and the religious party both lie demolished.

Many states officially and some unofficially banned the movie. But to the horror of Sikhs, the movie did release on Friday the 13th. The Godman’s bhakts had to be bus-lifted to pre-booked theatres with pre- purchased

tickets, that were distributed in Godman’s bhakts villages. Don’t know if popcorn and pop too were distributed free in the theatres. And later crocin and panadol for the headache the movie is.

After demolishing religion and politics, the movie released. And despite the Indo-Pak match on Sunday, it did manage to garner Rs 2.50 crore, thus entering the number 10 spot of 2015 Top 10 Movies. This record was possible because all the releases this year up to now are SHITTY(Baby, Tevar, Roy, Shamitabh, Alone, Dolly Ki Doli, I, Khamoshiyan, Hawaizaada, MSG).

The only reality and’God’ of today is money and the Godman rides over due to this factor alone. For there is nothing spiritual about in the movie. There is no God in the movie except the Godman, who in all’humility’ claims that he is insaan(he was doubtful!) and fakir!

This movie is the 8th wonder of the world. The Godman himself is a wonder for he does everything – act, dance, sing, write, fight, the whole 9-yards. Next year all the National awards will go to this movie for it is simply unique. And even the Oscars and the Grammys! Gurmeet is the first Godman, to make a movie and release it too. The movie is based on a noble cause – eradication of drugs and other vices from today’s youth. Suffice it to say, if he wants to help today’s youth, he should create jobs for them instead of turning his black money to white.

The Godman does not resemble any hero. There are no heroics except a over-decked up podgy hairy hairy(giving stiff competition to Anil Kapoor), who thinks he is God’s answer to all evils on earth. He also has 3-4 heroines dancing to his tunes. This is enough to make you cry. Are the times so bad that nubile nymphets are made to cater to this .’s whims and fancies.

My head is spinning, actually blowing. I can’t feel there is any brain left, forget intelligence. This Godman needs immediate acting lessons. And even after that, it is remote that he can ever act! It’s a wonder how he inspires his legions of bhakts. I really pity them. Poor souls. Why fake Godmen are making a mess of Indian faiths time and again? When will public come to their senses?

After watching this’movie’, I’ve a message of my own. To reach out to God, you don’t need Godmen. Pray sincerely and spiritually. You don’t need anything in between God and you. This Godman himself needs worldly goods and pleasures. What can he do for Indian needy and poor? Shame upon him. He should spiritually connect with God. He should to his job of a Godman and never act. Jiska kaam usi ko saajhe. Aur kare toh danda baaje.

The icing on the cake is the sequel to this’movie’ too is getting readied for a release later this year. Sir mundaate hi ole pade! Can hardly digest this first part. My hair are rising even at the thought of it. This is truly horrific! This is not a movie. When last heard, Aamir Khan went into depression finding a rival to his PK!

Bachche ko rulayega, kya?

BTW, the ratings are single as nothing below single is available. So, this is not reflective of my true rating, which is of course .000000000000000000.

Well, well. Until now, 2015 has delivered only duds. But BADLAPUR is a diamond that shines amidst a slew of usual slush. The credit for it partially goes to director Sriram Raghavan(Ek Hasina Thi 2004, Johnny Gaddaar 2007, Agent Vinod 2012) for a taut thriller, that occasionally gives in for lack of story and narrative. But still the thriller genre that it is, it does have its moments and the yawning public gets their dose of rushing adrenaline. It could have been better, no doubt but at least there is something that keeps you awake and interested instead of the usual boring movies.

Badlapur is actually a town and nagar panchayat in Jaunpur district, MP. But the town has no connection to the movie’s namesake place. The name is for the sole reason of revenge. And violent revenge saga it is. This is the first time after a long time, I want to write this story.

Raghu(Varun Dhawan, 27), an advertising executive has a beautiful life

with wife Misha(Yami Gautam, 26) and son Robin. But a spanner is put in it when an unexpected fatal bank robbery leaves his wife and son dead. Raghu himself never comes to terms with his life. He is dead. What keeps him alive is REVENGE with a capital R. One of the robbers Liak(Nawazuddin Siddiqui, 40) is caught while escaping. He confesses to inspector(Govind Mishra) and puts the blame on his partner Harman(Vinay Pathak, 46) for the killings and escaping with the booty. Liak is sent to 20 years in jail. Inspector(Govind Mishra) cannot do much. But Raghu consumed by rage hires a private detective Joshi(Ashwini Kalsekar, 45), who finds Liak’s girlfriend and sex worker Jhimli/Shabnam(Huma Qureshi, 28).

15 years pass. Liak is diagnosed with cancer. An NGO worker / prisoner counselor Shobha(Divya Dutta, 37) tells Raghu to let bygones be bygones. Liak’s mother(Pratima Kazmi) tells Raghu about Harman, who now runs a successful seafood restaurant Konkan Queen. Raghu befriends Harman’s simple wife Koko(Radhika Apte, 29), who is unaware of her husband’s past. Raghu brutally ends koko and Harman’s life. Liak comes to collect his share of the loot and faces Raghu. Liak admits to killing Raghu’s wife. Liak has a change of heart and takes the onus of Harman / Koko’s killings on his own head. Liak dies. But Raghu lives minus the rage and any motive in his life.

The movie is a male triangle with Varun, Nawaz and Vinay. Varun does a fine job but the angst and simmering rage that should emanate from him is missing. The depth and maturity that is required to deal with Raghu’s character, isn’t there. This could be put to his lack of experience

and inadequate guidance. Considering the number and type of movies he has done until now, this movie is a refreshing change. He has taken a risk to attempt this movie and if guided well, Varn will develop into a fine actor. That leaves the field open for Nawaz, who continues with his KICK role. His kinky, maniacal and care-a-damn attitude is a revelation again. While in jail, he doesn’t mind needling dangerous inmate Guru(Murali Sharma). Although Vinay hasn’t been given much publicity, it is good to see him back. He is a foil to Nawaz.

Although the movie is a male show, if we look on the other side, it is the women, who hold the show. Yami and Radhika play the simple housewives, who get involved in ploys of someone else’s making. Why did they die? Why did fate deal a cruel blow to Raghu’s happy life? All the characters live half lives. Huma leaves when Liak dies. Varun has no life sans family and finally his rage is quietened with the two robbers’ deaths. But does rage and revenge give him peace? The women are actually the backbone of this movie, who silently piece together the movie. Both Varun and Yami have a long way to go. With time, both will mature. They make a fine pair.

Pakistani singer Atif Aslam was missing from the singing scene. He returns with a bang with Jeena Jeena song. It is simply superb. Jee Karda and Judaai are other hummable numbers that will stay with us for a long time. To keep up with the theme of revenge, there is Badla Badla. Finally, the message is loud and clear – Crime never pays. As an audience, you will not be disappointed with the show. It fills in the lacuna left behind by the other lackadaisical shows. Go for it. And “Don’t Miss The Beginning.”

Move over banal movies. The baap of all movies arrives and how. It will be weeks or maybe months, before people will get over it. And that is not any time sooner. F&F7 has taken the world by storm and this is not going to stop, not by any standard if the crowds in cinemas is anything to go by.

First about the story. After defeating Owen Shaw and his crew, Dominic Toretto(Vin Diesel), Brian O’Conner(Paul Walker) and the rest of the crew are able to return to the United States and live normal lives again as they had wanted. However, Owen’s older brother, Deckard Shaw(Jason Statham), is after Dom and his crew, seeking revenge for his brother’s death and putting the entire crew in danger once more. After learning of Han’s death, the crew sets out to find the man who killed one of their own, before he finds them first.

The story is nothing. Bu the action is simply superb. And the cars are just out of this world. Imagine the cars are flying after rolling out of the plane. It’s too grand to be put in simple words. Some movies are just to be watched rather be read about. F&F7 is one such movie. Vin Diesel has out-performed himself. One can’t get enough of this guy. He is the Salman Khan of Hollywood. Well, at the end of the movie, one can shed tears for Paul Walker. But, what the heck! Amidst cars, babes and action, this blockbuster glory has taken over the world. You will watch this movie more than once. For once is not enough.

Last but not the least is the entry of our Indian’hero’ Ali Fazal(28) in an Arab avatar. The cameo is just three scenes but it is a welcome change(much better than Anil Kapoor’s pompous’blink-n-miss’ role in 24). It is welcome because this is a hardcore action movie and to get this much space is awesome. Till now, only boring artistic Indian characters were played out Naseeruddin Shah or Irfan Khan. F&F7 opens roads for commercial Indian characters. There is genuine hope for Indian actors in Hollywood now. Kudos to Ali. Atta boy!

For the uninitiated, Furious 7(Fast & Furious 7 / Furious Seven) is the sequel to the 2013 film Fast & Furious 6 and the seventh instalment in the Fast & Furious film series. With the previous three instalments being set between 2 Fast 2 Furious(2003) and The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift(2006), F7 is the first film of the series to take place after TD. Paul Walker died on November 30 2013, with filming only half-completed. Walker’s brothers Caleb and Cody Walker were used as stand-ins to complete his remaining scenes. F7 released in 3D internationally. Noel Gugliemi reprises his role from the first film as Hector, a street race organizer. Iggy Azalea makes a cameo appearance.

CAST: Vin Diesel(Dominic Toretto), Paul Walker(Brian O’Conner), Dwayne Johnson(Luke Hobbs), Michelle Rodriguez(Letty Ortiz), Jordana Brewster(Mia Toretto), Tyrese Gibson(Roman Pearce), Chris Bridges(Tej Parker), Lucas Black(Sean Boswell), Jason Statham(Deckard Shaw), Elsa Pataky(Elena Neves), Kurt Russell(Frank Petty), Tony Jaa(Kiet), Ronda Rousey(Kara), Nathalie Emmanuel(Megan Ramsey), Djimon Hounsou(Jakande), John Brotherton(Sheppard), and Ali Fazal.

THE MOVIE SEQUELS:

The Fast and the Furious(2001, $ 207.28)

2 Fast 2 Furious(2003, $ 236.35)

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift(2006, $ 158.46)

Fast & Furious(2009, $ 363.16)

Fast Five(2011, (626.13)

Fast & Furious 6(2013, $ 788.67)

Furious 7(2015, India record-breaking highest Rs 12 crore first day in four languages)

Furious 8(2017)

THE FUTRE IS F&F: In March 2015, Vin Diesel stated that the eighth film will take place in New York with Kurt Russell’s character, Mr. Nobody, having a larger role for this sequel. Helen Mirren has expressed interest in appearing in the eighth installment. Dwayne Johnson has expressed interest in future films in the series and stated that there are plans for a spin-off film featuring his character Hobbs, but that it would not be filmed or released until after the seventh film is released. Ludacris has expressed interest in a spin-off with him and Tyrese reprising their roles as Tej Parker and Roman Pierce.

After watching it, couldn’t sleep the entire night, dreaming with open eyes of the dynamic action. Would like to watch it second, perhaps third and definitely the tenth time. Can’t get enough of the movie. More power to F&F.

What r u waiting for? Get going!

This is the third turkey Ranbir Kapoor delivers after Abhinav Kashyap’s Besharam (2013) and Roy (2015). A hat-trick no doubt. Both Kashyap brothers – Abhinav and Anurag have wrongly milked Ranbir dry. Ranbir should pull up his socks and get married to Kat for her luck to rub off on him. He looks lost in the movie with a dopey look. Too much of inhaled stuff, I guess. All that 60s’ look and classic and dark shoots fall flat. No amount of media glorifying it will work. This is banal tamasha to wait for Kat’s Jagga Jasoos (2016).

Anushka Sharma is no Deepika Padukone, not even an iota close. After her lip job, she looks like a bee-strung blob. And the weird dresses she hangs over her, compete with tents. Next year she’ll get the National Award for no category. Karan Johar should stick to being a ‘director’. That spot was also courtesy SRK. Johar is till now considered gay. Post-release of this movie, he may have to look for other labels! Jiska kaam usi ko saajhe. Aur kare toh danda baaje. With a stiff upper lip (effect of mouche) he hardly performs forget act. He is debuting with this movie and his role is shaped after Blitz editor Russi Karanjia. OK, that’s inuf!

The songs r something from Mars, I mean ‘out of this world’. So, let them remain out of this world. We mere mortals cannot decipher them, forget enjoy. Not only the movie is based on a book, even its poster is plagiarized from English movie (Gone With The Wind, 1939). But the Hindi actors forgot to ape their English counterparts! Even there is a remix song of Jaata kahan hai deewane (CID, 1956). There is no novelty or creativity in the movie, except borrowed plumes.

As far as the ishtory goes (u still waiting for it!!!), watch an 80s’ Amit or Dharam’s movie. An aspiring boxer hero, a singer heroine and a cardboard villain with a feel for the heroine. Each one of them is a cardboard. No actors. Raveena Tandon Thadani in a special appearance does the opening credits with a dance number. Balraj (Ranbir Kapoor) is a son of a sex worker. Frustration leads him to becoming a boxer to earn ready cash. His good friend is Chiman (Satyadeep Misra). They work for Kaizad Khambata (Karan Johar), editor of the tabloid Torrent. Kaizad offers his wife Mrs Khambatta (Shanti) to lure other men to blackmail them. His interest is in men. He tells Balraj to take care of his club Bombay Velvet and also to gradually finish off the communists.

Jimmy Mistry (Manish Chaudhury), is the editor of labour tabloid Glitz. Jimmy sends a singer Rosie Noronha (Anushka Sharma) to lure Balraj. But the duo fall in love. And…Kaizad too develops feelings for Rosie! Mayhem follows literally. The ‘heart’y wars take over media wars. Think about Times of India vs Hindustan Times or The Hindu vs The Indian Express or The Telegraph vs whatever… The audience may not wait for this lengthy banal movie’s inane ending. Both Persis Khambatta and Kaizad Gustad may take offence to ‘Kaizad Khambatta’. The only plus to this movie is it is rich with Parsi characters.

As far as director Anurag Kashyap goes, he can take solace in his ex-wife Kalki Koechlin’s marvelous performances. A terrific actress. He should hang up his director’s boots. Period. He is no creative person. He just want to move up the social ladder making trash. Naach na jaane, aangan tedha. Anurag was dilly-dallying on this turkey’s release. He knew its fate. He shouldn’t have made. He shouldn’t have released it. There were two earthquakes in Nepal. This is a man-made one in India that’ll paralyze the audience in to curly thinking.

Historian Gyan Prakash (63), on whose book MUMBAI FABLES (2010), this movie is based on, will be left tearing his hair out. He’ll spent sleepless nights till the day he reaches grave, where he’ll toss and turn! Two good movies – ISHQEDARRIYAAN and LATEEF pushed forward their release later this month to offer space to this turkey. They shouldn’t have bothered. This movie needs at least 200 weeks continuously to make its presence felt. I can predict its BO but why bother for what’ll be apparent soon? Pahlaj Nihalani has a lot to answer for letting it go without cuts. He should resign when he doesn’t know his job instead of being a BJP stooge. Even God will NOT save this movie…even with a barge pole. It shouldn’t have been attempted.